Jesus and bike

Last night I was wired on some very cinnamon-y Macy's coffee and so I tried to tire myself out a bit while developing my FG riding skills. This brought me not only to some new skills, but also to one of my better analogies in a long time.

I think riding fixed gear is a little like committing to a lifelong relationship with Jesus.

First off, before you get on a FG bike, you have assumptions of what riding one would be like, based off of riding other non-FG bikes and what people say about FG. This is like a relationship with Jesus; you have experienced what it's like to love people and to have a loving father, and people tell you what it is like to follow Jesus.

When you first give yourself to Jesus it is scary as all get-out, but there is that moment of pure joy and excitement that makes you want to never stop serving Him and loving Him and thinking about Him. Riding FG, when you first get on, there is a sense of breathtaking fear and excitement; your assumptions of FG are blown away and you fall in love.

Sadly, life wears on and that blinding, amazing love for Jesus and riding FG is dulled. Your life could be occupied by only Jesus or FG, but life's pressures squeeze things in between you and your love. And then life gets hard.

You get persecuted for your love of Jesus Christ and you hit the pavement hard for the first time on your FG.

wrecked

I wrecked hard today. Really hard. It felt good and that may be a problem.

If you know me, you know I have a propensity to ride a bike and that I do hard. I had about a half an hour before my COM class and I thought it would be a good idea to take off all my weather protective clothing and solidify my skids with my new bars (they're a good inch lower and 1/2 and inch farther out) with my Macbook and other valuable items in my bag. Bad idea to say the least. Long story short, a minute into my "session" my bike kicks me on to the sandpaper tarmac. My arm may be a bit broken, but I am not sure at this point.

The point is, aside from the intense pain and surprisingly watery blood streaming out of my arm, I was quite happy at that moment. For the past few weeks things haven't been great, but things have mostly been going my way, but I have not been in the greatest of mindsets. I do not know if I am happy that my perceived hurting in the inside is now manifested more fully on the outside or if I just really like getting beat up. The bottom line is I cannot be healthy in this thinking.

What does it mean to love pain other than the general assumption that I may indeed be a masochist? I mean, from my last post, it may seem that I relish the idea of being down-and-out, but that really is not masochistic at the heart of the issue. Now I am just going to extrapolate.

As Christians I think it is easy to get caught up in "hurting for God," not that anyone will necessarily admit to that, but that there are people out there (some you may even know) that want to feel pain in their service of God, which I think from anyone's standpoint is not right at all. You might be able to argue that people trying to serve God, but are fighting the calling are prone to injury, but I think those people are in a whole different boat and I kind of hope that I might be there instead of here.

I truly believe that self-destruction is not in God's plan, but where I am at right now, I am having a hard time knowing where God wants me to be and where I think God wants me to be, which I think is the heart of my problem and I would bet is where other people like me are at right now.

shaken and stirred and stolid

Here's a list of things that have happened in my life since my last post (mostly written about in unfinished blogger drafts that will never be published):

-turned 20
-saw Denver
-saw Jake
-had a change of heart
-had a change of major
-got into one of my "moods" again

I signed up for classes today while in class. One third of my classes are going to my current major, one third going to my new major, and another third to occupy my mind. I haven't officially changed my major, yet, but I couldn't bring myself to taking anymore classes than I am of my current major, but I'm not fully sure what I really need to take for my new major until I can sit down with someone that has a clue. It's like I went from a model student to "one of those students" and that is unfamiliar to me.

Right now I am having the most difficult time just thinking which I guess is a sign that I might be trying a bit too hard, so I'm going to work on that. Everyday the prospect of selling all my possessions and becoming a vagabond gets more and more enticing.

I guess it all comes down to me finding it harder and harder to feel like I'm praising God in the way that I live my life right now and I want to feel like a missionary every second of the day. Kind of selfish, eh?

Pray for Nathan, he was hit by a car yesterday.

disection of structural creativity

What does it mean to be creative? What does it mean to be systematic? Can the two ever intersect?

This has been on my mind lately. Sometimes I find myself bereft in a sea of creative thoughts and ideas, but I also find myself in a mindset of only routine and structure. More perplexing than my seemingly polar mindsets is when I am both of the mind of the artist and the accountant. This mental twilight zone is both perplexing and frankly frustrating as it might seem.

It is difficult to put into words what plagues my thought processes in the misinformed duality of the very nature of my thought. It is like listening to two very different types of music (imagine folk and rap), both of which you enjoy, but definitely want to keep in separate, soundproof containers. I guess that's what it is like, but do not hold me to that simile. Evntually it comes down to one flavor of thought dominating over anther, resulting in either creative structure or structured creativity. It is weird.

I am going to take some pictures of straight lines.

nature and such

I visited nature yesterday intending on finding civilization and came close to dying.

Yesterday was an especially sweet Thursday.

Console.Write("\n"); //That's just a little C# for you.

Thursday started an hour later with my first class being canceled, continued through a programming test that was surprisingly not as hard as I had thought. My next class was canceled, so adventure began.

I had a photography assignment in emulating some ridiculous Mormon photographer that I wrote a report on (only because it was the first book I saw on a single photographer in the library). Since the dude took a lot of photographs of railroads and such, I decided to try my luck with our local rail. I remembered there being a really cool view of the train at night from Stephanies' neighborhood, so I headed up there. Daytime did not seem quite as picturesque, so I went above the rails.

Railroads on the side of a hill are crazy looking, so I tried to get a better perspective from farther up the hill. Stopping to take pictures at different tree breaks, enabled by a newly paved private-looking road. Before I knew it, I could see miles beyond Flagstaff and had lost sight of the railroad. But before me stood a dead tree and it said, "climb me." So I did.

There was no reason for this climbing of the tree and I knew for sure that it wasn't going to be easy and surely not safe. I pulled my body up towards the sky as the tree swayed with the wind and groaned against my limbs attempts to scale its weathered appendages. Myself upon the largest eastward reaching branch, the fear of ascent quickly transformed into the fear of a rapid descent, but as I loosened my grip so did my fear loosen its grip upon me.

In this place the presence of God is undeniable. Looking at the sky, the trees, the curvature of the Earth and my presence becomes smaller with every passing moment. I do not know how long I sat fifteen feet above the mountain top, but I know for sure that I spent a day with God, in the silence, sunlight and wind.



Today, although lacking the profundity of yesterday, was, well, a day of bike. I spent most of the day doing productive (alright, semi-productive) stuff before I could resist my urge to ride no longer. I went out as nightfall came close and rode out west on 66 until my bottom bracket started sounding weird. I came back to the bottom Highland Village parking lot to do my usual trackstand cool downs. I was riding pretty hard in shorts (it's getting colder, you know) and my legs were pretty tired. For some reason I decided to try a skid stop even though I've never had that kind of faith in my ability or my bike's ability, and guess what? I did it. The first time I actually did a couple hops, but then I was doing skids like a SF MASH-er (google it). Awesome.

more nothing

It's just another day. A Tuesday. Another 7th of yet another month. Get my drift? I guess that's a bit depressing, but that's how it's going right now and the crazy part is I know it is all alright. I have never felt less sure of my direction in life and my motivation could not be in any weirder places right. It's not a bad thing because I know more than ever in my life that He is with me and He will not lead me astray.

Deep/vague, eh? Aboot Canadian, too? Right now I've got to work this out with the big man and others, but it's not blog-ready, yet.

On a lighter note, I broke that tenuous strand of steel called a chain not a half of a mile from my apartment, starting my day day off well (it kind of works out later). When it broke it didn't fly up into my leg as I was going too fast, so it just flew out behind me without a scratch. Later that day I bought a cheap disposable chain from Walmart only to find it's about three links to short. Because I can't find my broken chain on the road I'm going to have to figure out something until I get my 3 lb. monster tank chain (I'm not sure how much it weighs, but the links are a combined 4 mm thicker than my previous chain).

Good news. Good news? I am officially accepted into the business professional program. What is that? The BPP is the official standing that allows for the enrollment in upper division business classes. Hooray...

After some ensuing events in the day, I found myself walking my bike down the urban trail system next to McConnell Drive down to my apartment. On my mind the whole day was the passage John 4:1-26 from the small group leaders meeting and 1 Timothy 2, but as I saw a beat-up looking guy on the trail, I was thinking more along the lines of the John 4 story. Before I actually got up to him on the trail, there were a few people going straight past him, looking away, of course. This was the marginalization that I was reading about.

I said hi, but to my surprise the guy didn't even respond, which was not what I was expecting. I tried again, this time passing him on the trail, so I said, "I don't know you, but God does and he loves you." At that point I think I was just as surprised at what I just said as he was. He then responded with the usual "I'm a veteran and I'm not on good grounds with God now." After that we talked about Vietnam, alcoholism, second chances, and fixed gear bikes, we parted ways and I immediately prayed we would meet again, Larry and I.

So that's about it, just another day. When will when not matter?

finding these words

Now that it seems like I am writing daily, I cannot stay away from the blog. I guess when you get into the writing state of mind, it's hard to stop (although I have not finished my communications paper yet).

After praying for the people of the W.A. Franke college of business I decided I haven't had a Red Bull in at least two weeks (a long time for me), so I decided to grab one on my way home in hopes of it giving me the energy to write my paper and then move on with things.

Because I was without my Chrome bag I had to put the RB (the larger can, because I like the way it feels in my hand, because I'm a man) in my hoodie's front pocket. Forgetting almost immediately after I put the can in my pocket, I jump on the BG thrasher (my fixie) with usual zest and the RB flies out. The ensuing contact with the pavement put a nice sized hole on the bottom sidewall of the can, spraying precious nectar on the side of the convenient store. Quick thinking, I pick up the can and open the top, releasing some pressure and causing the spray to become a drizzle. Naturally, I started drinking it from the bottom, and thus I experienced my very first Red Bull mini-keg-stand.

I wouldn't say it was awesome, but not as enjoyable as sipping on a RB while doing something intellectual like reading an art book, or something crazy like trying to have a conversation with that oddly attractive German exchange student. Verdict on Red Bull mini-keg-stands: better fit for an Amp, because really, who wants to actually taste an Amp?

Disappointing bike news disguised as good bike news: I got my new 160 mm cranks today. The 160 mm cranks are a full centimeter shorter on each side than my 170 mm cranks. What that means is that I can stop worrying about pedal skipping, which was the cause for my hand wound two weeks ago. The bad news is that I forgot to measure the BCD (distance from bottom bracket to chainring bolts), so my new cranks don't work with my current and only chainring, which is 130 BCD, I think. In addition, the largest sized chainring available with 110 BCD is 48T, which is the same size as what I am using now with my 170 mm cranks, which will probably be a little small, but we'll have to see. I am really tired of spending money on my bike, but I want it to be a tight ride that I can be confident pushing to the limits. I have officially given up the dream to deck it out with bright green accents, unless a part gets damaged. Speaking of damage, over the past week I broke one side of a chain link, but I've decided to just ride the sucker until it snaps and the sharp metal whip puts a huge gash in my calf.

Do I like pain?

sidetrack / fun

I'm attempting to write my communications paper right now, which is going decently, but I got sidetracked by this story, which I think about time to time, but can never remember where I read it. It's a pretty humorous (in subject and style), but serious (in consequences).

I wore a helmet for a solid week a couple weeks ago and I cannot honestly say I noticed a huge difference, but I wasn't really thinking about this study when I was riding (I was thinking along mch different lines at that time), but I wouldn't doubt if it was true here in the States. I must admit that Flagstaff drivers are decently respectful to cyclists, although I'm not a very good judge, considering how I ride most of the time.

I cannot remember who I was talking to about this, but it always makes me feel bad when it comes up. It always starts with "...so you're one of those riders," and then some kind of mild, but effective admonishment. This is why:

-I pass cars on the left, right, and sometimes going the opposite direction
-I haven't stopped at a stop sign for at least three months
-to me, a red light is always a yellow light
-paint jobs weren't made to be perfect...
-hand signals are always optional
-skitching
-track stands are not optional

So I may not be the model cyclist, but my reasoning is that the world needs a few bad cyclists. Lets face it, cyclists have gotten the raw deal when it comes to roads. We get delegated to the shoulders, the gravel-covered bike lanes, and someone's idiotic idea of sideWALKS. It's got the word WALK right in the name, it's not a sideCYCLE, it's a sideWALK. Back to the point...

If every cyclist gave into all these ridiculous notions of a "second class" mode of transportation on PUBLIC roads, we would get nowhere. The world needs radical cyclists to take back the streets that we rightfully have an equal share in. I pay my taxes not to get buzzed constantly on a shoddy shoulder, but to enjoy a nice, paved road for my wheels to spin freely on. When I bend and often break the rules I not only give cyclists a bad name, I also am fighting for our existence on the same plane as the gas-guzzlers.

The other side of the argument is quite simple. I am a hazard for motorists, the cycling community, and to my own health.

Why should I wear a helmet?

only the wicked relish the dark

I walked home tonight and had a good conversation with God. I really hope that his is a beginning of a heart change for me and that I will remember it is not about me.

This is how my blog would have started before tonight:

So, I am just not really sure about this Christian dating thing. I just don't know about the whole "love them as a sister in Christ first." I'm sure it works, but I just don't get it and I wish it was as easy as secular dating.

That would be the intro piece into the blog post where I not only would vent my frustration on the aforementioned subject, but also as a feeble attempt to "test the waters" with a certain blog reader, but that's not how it started.

I see the world a bit differently now and the role I play in it. It really is not about of me, it is all about Him and His will. If that means that I am going to be single for a while longer and that I have to suck it up and work hard in my classes; that is what I am going to do.

As much as I really would like to be in a relationship right now, God has made it clear that right now a relationship would not be in service to Him. That kind of sucks for me, but God has been good and I am no longer afraid of being single. I did not even acknowledge last year, or even more accurately, realize that I was afraid of being single again and that did shape my actions significantly.

As for school, I just have to start doing it again; plain and simple.

One other thing. Listening to Ashley speak at IV this past Thursday, I finally realized that doubting is not a sin and to wish it away as those huge supermarket door-fans send flies away is not the way to look at life. Doubt will come and go, the only thing that matters is perseverance and obedience.

To sum things up nice and cliche-y, right now I need to run the race with endurance and focus only on the road ahead.

Reinventing the whip

new gripzzz
Originally uploaded by erik_found

Warning: double meaning above. So, I've had the new bar + stem combo for a while, but was waiting on the brake/shifter levers to get everything setup. I got some (specialized s-works) bar tape and (jag wire) cable and housing from Absolute Bikes, as well as the most expensive, but most worthwhile tool--the Park Tool cable and housing cutter--I have bought in a while. The only problem is that although I had two spare tubs for the front wheel, both of them were close to the age of the bike itself, so the rubber was a bit gnarly and I don't have the most gentle approach to changing tires (to be honest, it's my least favorite task in terms of bike maintenance). To get back to the flight controls, the shifters, although they are used Tiagras, they seem to shift exceedingly sharply and from initial tests, will work perfectly with the bargain basement derailleurs (shimano SIS?). I do either need to get a headset spacer or a pipe cutter to account for the shorter stem before I can really tear it up.

The only thing keeping me from unleashing the beast, really is that dang tube, but as soon as a start moving myself towards the door, I'll get down to the bike shop and pick up a tube.

I am getting sooo ansty waiting to ride a bike with wheels less than an inch in width! That brings me to the other bike. It arrived in PD last week and if I want to see it anytime soon, it has to get shipped up to flag on my own dime. Stupid crosslakes bikes. They're cheap, but not very smart.

seriously?

Aero bars on a comfort bike. Most ridiculous thing I've seen in a while. I would have taken a picture,but las night I connected my phone to the charger... which was plugged into nothing.

just passing by

night drive
Originally uploaded by erik_found

Nothing profound... or supernumerary, I think. I am just passing by. By and by it seems like I am doing that more often these days. Passing by people, passing by the next big thing and the smallest germ in the world.

Living in the present is essential because that moment is never coming back, because life is the baseball on your neighbor's roof, not the boomerang that come back to your hand.

moonrise

moonrise
Originally uploaded by erik_found

Last night the moon was full and yellow, so I decided it was about time I tried this shot and I think it looks pretty decent. I wasn't really going for the star flares on the moon, but after experimenting a bit I ended up with this shot and upon review I liked it. I think it just looks like a dark sunset, which is totally eerie. I might rework this one a bit and pull the temperature down to get a more night-looking shot, considering the picture was taken at about 9:30 at night.

It really feels good to shoot again, I think I almost forgot how to take a picture after such a long absence.

new picture

HOPE
Originally uploaded by erik_found

From my HOPE collection.

Transcending the superficial

In response to yesterday.

Dear Father,
You are so great.
On this day of superficial affection, your love overwhelms me.
Your love, GOD.
I pray I one day will comprehend, but for now I will try my hardest.
Your love for everyone.
My love imperfect, a thousand times less than a fraction of yours.
Show me, GOD.
I want to love all in the way you love me.
But I am one man, living in this one world.
Today, Tomorrow, LORD.
Fill me up with your unconditional love until I can stomach no more.
And let me show them.
All of them.
My love is not mine to keep.
My love runs deeper than the sea and higher than the moon.

Love,
Your Son