wrecked

I wrecked hard today. Really hard. It felt good and that may be a problem.

If you know me, you know I have a propensity to ride a bike and that I do hard. I had about a half an hour before my COM class and I thought it would be a good idea to take off all my weather protective clothing and solidify my skids with my new bars (they're a good inch lower and 1/2 and inch farther out) with my Macbook and other valuable items in my bag. Bad idea to say the least. Long story short, a minute into my "session" my bike kicks me on to the sandpaper tarmac. My arm may be a bit broken, but I am not sure at this point.

The point is, aside from the intense pain and surprisingly watery blood streaming out of my arm, I was quite happy at that moment. For the past few weeks things haven't been great, but things have mostly been going my way, but I have not been in the greatest of mindsets. I do not know if I am happy that my perceived hurting in the inside is now manifested more fully on the outside or if I just really like getting beat up. The bottom line is I cannot be healthy in this thinking.

What does it mean to love pain other than the general assumption that I may indeed be a masochist? I mean, from my last post, it may seem that I relish the idea of being down-and-out, but that really is not masochistic at the heart of the issue. Now I am just going to extrapolate.

As Christians I think it is easy to get caught up in "hurting for God," not that anyone will necessarily admit to that, but that there are people out there (some you may even know) that want to feel pain in their service of God, which I think from anyone's standpoint is not right at all. You might be able to argue that people trying to serve God, but are fighting the calling are prone to injury, but I think those people are in a whole different boat and I kind of hope that I might be there instead of here.

I truly believe that self-destruction is not in God's plan, but where I am at right now, I am having a hard time knowing where God wants me to be and where I think God wants me to be, which I think is the heart of my problem and I would bet is where other people like me are at right now.

shaken and stirred and stolid

Here's a list of things that have happened in my life since my last post (mostly written about in unfinished blogger drafts that will never be published):

-turned 20
-saw Denver
-saw Jake
-had a change of heart
-had a change of major
-got into one of my "moods" again

I signed up for classes today while in class. One third of my classes are going to my current major, one third going to my new major, and another third to occupy my mind. I haven't officially changed my major, yet, but I couldn't bring myself to taking anymore classes than I am of my current major, but I'm not fully sure what I really need to take for my new major until I can sit down with someone that has a clue. It's like I went from a model student to "one of those students" and that is unfamiliar to me.

Right now I am having the most difficult time just thinking which I guess is a sign that I might be trying a bit too hard, so I'm going to work on that. Everyday the prospect of selling all my possessions and becoming a vagabond gets more and more enticing.

I guess it all comes down to me finding it harder and harder to feel like I'm praising God in the way that I live my life right now and I want to feel like a missionary every second of the day. Kind of selfish, eh?

Pray for Nathan, he was hit by a car yesterday.